ilovemonkeiz

The thing is, there is always something you have been wanting to say to somone but for whatever reason you don't. This is your chance to tell 10 or more people the feelings you've been keeping from them. No names should be written as to who its intended for. Let the fun begin.

1. Seriously? You're so... not stupid. You're so far beyond that, I don't have a word for it. You're a jerk, and you're stupid for messing with the Behnke family. And you're about to find that out the hard way.

2. Honestly now. You can't be serious about him. I think you're stupid because you told me you broke up, so what's up with that? Let's be honest with each other right now. We aren't best friends. We don't know jack about each other. Let's move on.

3. You're a jerk and everyone knows it. Well, by yourself, you're pretty cool. But when you have help, you're the biggest jerkface hoebag on this planet that I know. You're self-centered, annoying half the time, and you think you know everything. Get over it, you will be wrong sometimes.

4. Ah, I just feel like laughing at you. You mock other people even though you're doing the exact same thing. You'll claim you aren't, but you're such a liar. I know what you are and so do you.

5. I love you.

6. I'm gonna miss you like hell when I'm gone. This year has been the greatest and I don't know how I'm going to manage next year without you there. I suppose I'll get by just fine, but I swear, I'll be back to visit. Just don't forget me.

7. We haven't talked much lately. I guess we're both busy. But I love you, you know that right? You're the closest thing to a real sister I have.

8. Sometimes, I really want to slap you. Like, you can be the rudest person I've ever met, and other times, you can be the greatest friend. I guess it all depends on what happened that day, but if you keep annoying me, I will hurt you.

9. You suck. You're always like "I'm so effing great." Honestly now. No one really like you that much, and you know it. Look, we're all your friends, but you can stop being an arrogant jerk, already. We get it. You're stuck up and conceited. But can we move on from that? It's making me sick.

10. You're such a soul whore. Honestly, you aren't marry of those guys, and I'm pretty sure you know it, too.

11. I hate you. Every time I see you, I want punch you in the face. And we've never even really talked before.

 For your fucking information, one of those three I "only talk to" is the biggest asshole and isn't talking to me. Another I haven't talked to in at least a week and a half, probably more. And the last is always grounded, so I can't fucking talk to her all of the time. So how about I tell you something important you should already know about me: I don't fucking talk to people. As in, at all. If I have a problem, I usually keep it to myself, and I always have. If I do feel like sharing it, I do tell those three people because for some stupid ass reason, they understand me better than anyone else. I've never met any of them face-to-face, and for all I know, they're some old man that's been pretending not to be for the past two years. But honestly, that doesn't even fucking matter because they're there if I need them. If I really needed my asshole of a best friend, I know he'd talk to me. I know he wouldn't just leave me hanging. I'm not saying my other friends would, but out of the past five years, those three are best fucking friends I've had, and I've only known them for two out of that five. So I'm sorry if I don't feel up to talking to you about my feelings. I'm sorry if you get offended because I shut you out. I'm fucking sorry that I have emotions and I tend to let them control my day. I'm fucking sorry that the only people who are there for me, no matter what, live across the country. Even if I could change any of that, I wouldn't. If I did, I wouldn't be the same. Maybe if my friends lived next door, I wouldn't have to be all sad that I'll probably never meet them. So yeah, I'm sorry that I'm not always peachy keen and smiley because my friends can't give me a hug when I need it most.

 Why can't people just mind their own business, hmmm? What happens in my life will hardly afftect anyone, so I don't see why they're so up in my business, like they even give a shit. Yeah, we're friends now. But what about after graduation? What about once you go to college and I'm off to boot camp? I highly doubt you'll even remember me once I'm gone. I'll just be another missed memory in the brain.
Also, what you say means nothing to me. Call me stupid. Call me an idiot. Call me whatever. How about this? Call me once you have a fucking future that doesn't involve staying at home forever.

Why is it that it can be
A month in between conversations,
But you can make it all better?
I know I shouldn't care
And that I should get over you.
But I just can't.
It's not simple, to just forget a person;
To just forget feelings.
I know that I don't have a shot,
Especially against her,
But I can't help it.
You changed - for her.
I wouldn't make you change.
I think you're just dandy
The exact way you are.
The exact way that we can never talk,
But if I'm not feeling happy,
You can just make it all better.

Why are people so fake?
I'm not saying I'm not because I'll admit it: I have really fake moments. Like when my mother holds up that hideous shirt and I'm like ... PUKE. But I'll tell her it's nice anyways.
But I mean... People are supposed to be my friends, and be supportive. They're supposed to make me not feel stupid about my good decisions, and not make me regret anything. Not that I feel stupid or regret anything. But that's besides the point.
I tell my friends what, to me, was good news. And I got pretty much the same result: What?!
The only person I was happy with was Dev, cause he was just calm, and he understands about it. I mean, some of my friends were like "that's stupid" or something along those lines. Though, I don't mind Hans's "just don't die" thing. But sometimes, just saying "that's cool" would be so much better.
Another why.
Why can't people be there for me whenever I need them?
I mean, sometimes I just have one specific person I want to talk to, but why is it that whoever I want to talk to is never around? It's such freaking bullshit, I tell you. Of course, most people are sleeping now, but that's besides the point.

You know, on a complete random note, I miss old times. Not just back when I was little and nothing mattered. But like... You know how when you first meet someone, and you're talking a lot, and really getting to know each other?
That's what I miss with almost all of my friends. Just being able to talk about whatever and even if we did get offended, we'd not care because the other person was just that cool we didn't want to piss them off. But now... It's like we freaking try to annoy each other and piss each other off or just plain avoid each other.
I also miss how things are right after the first time you tell someone you love them. Like, the very first time that it's ever mentioned, and at first you're having a heart attack, because you've never said it - in any form. But then... You just say it. And you're happy because you realize it's true.

I don't even know any more. I just... I miss him. And the sad part is, I don't think he even knows it. 

I do believe my title says it all, but I'll elaborate.

What do I actually want in a guy?
Someone who has the ability to be a jerk, but doesn't overuse it.
Someone who can just be the sweetest guy in the world.
Someone who can make me crack up laughing without doing something completely stupid.
Someone who isn't a complete idiot. 
Someone who won't make me feel stupid.
Basically, someone who is always there if I need him, no matter what, no matter when.

But where do I find this glorious guy?
Nowhere. 
My thoughts are that they're all either taken or gay, because that's how the world is. 
It's just plain against me.

Why are people so stupid? I mean, honestly.
Tony says he likes me, right? Sure, I'll believe it. But at this point, I honestly don't care about him. He is so fucking... annoying. He can't decide whether he should be self-righteous or self-conscience, both of which are rather annoying. In class he's all "yeah, I'm the shit." Prove it, then. He tries to ask me out, and all of a sudden, he's so shy and worried about what I'll say. Honestly, it's not a good thing. He should really work on that.
While we're on this topic of him being the STUPIDEST guy alive, what's with EVERYONE knowing he likes me before even I knew? Apparently, he talked about this whole thing with everyone but me. That pisses me off so much. For so long, he was convinced that I hated Mary. Then he goes and talks to her about how he likes me? What the fuck, is all I have to say. Not only did he talk to Mary, but apparently Valerie, too. Oh, and don't forget that Betty knew. So now, everyone is all "Are you going out with Tony?" And I'm just like, "No." When he first asked about going out some time, I thought it might be nice. It got less nice when Amber asked me about it in class the next day. And it's only gotten worse from there. Now everyone thinks we're together, which we're totally not. I think the only one who really understands is Maria because Christian did the same damn thing to her, and then everyone kept asking her about whether they were together or not. We feel the same about this; it makes us like the person less and it makes us less likely to go out with them at all. People should just learn to mind their own fucking business.
Oh, I just remembered another thing that bugs me about the jerkoff that "likes" me. While we were in LA, we went to this art gallery, and there was this really pretty pot thing named "Hank." Well, we're walking back to van, and I go, "I like Hank." And Tony immediately freaked out. I was just like, "Holy shit, calm down, you overdramatic ass." Only, you know, not in those words. Then today, we're walking (by we, I mean me, Tony, Maria, Betty, Diego, and Christian), and we were talking about the skating thing tonight. And I was like, "I might go with my home boy, unless he's busy." Tony looked at me as if I were cheating on him or something, as if we were together. I was like... It's just Martin, shut up. I swear, I wanted to strangle him. I swear, he needs to control himself because he's really not helping his case.

So. My subject basically describes me. I'm somewhere between happy and sad and wanting something I'll never have. Sure, nostalgic is when you think of the past, but I was doing that too, hence the happy and sad stuff. And part of the wanting.
There're things I've come to realize about myself.
I love my friends too much sometimes. I think I push people away, but accidentally. And then I end up hurting myself. Not my best quality.
I over analyze some things. Like, if I see someone and they do something odd, I think about it for like, a good hour.
I've changed so much since... Well, just last year. But looking back at like, sixth grade, I'm a lot the same now as I was then. I still spend lunch in a teachers classroom. I'm still sarcastic. I still get in trouble for talking in class WAY too much. I still talk back. But freshman year... I wasn't at all like that. I never talked back, I rarely talking in class, I wouldn't be caught dead in a teacher's room at lunch, except maybe Mrs. Rowe's. But I'm changing. I'm wanting so bad to just ditch. ... Shit, I have ditched this year. I would have NEVER done that before. Ever. It's just... weird. I don't know when I changed, or how people in the top 3% of the class changed me in such ways, but they did. And I love them for it.
I like change. Not just the money form. But the other kind, too. Not dramatic change, but the little things. Like making new friends. The fun changes, you know? The ones you won't always regret later in life.
I need to decide where my life is going. What I want to do, apparently, isn't right for me, according to all of those wannbe-right tests. I don't believe them for a second. I will be what I want, bitches.

It's been ages since I've cried. I seriously can't remember the last time I did. Well, I totally killed that today. I'm beyond stressed about school and how shitty my grades are, tennis practice has been killing me, and my mom just LOVES to find reasons to be pissed at me. And to top it all off, the one person I really want to talk to right now isn't even talking to me. In short, my life is purely fucked. I seriously didn't know I had so much karma stacked up against me that the world could just plain screw me over.
So now I'm crying and so pissed off that I just said screw my homework and chucked my notebook, math book, and flashlight across the room. So when my grades come and it's showing me close to fucking my future over, I'll be sure to tell my bitch-faced mother it's mostly her fault.
It's like she doesn't even care. I mean, she thinks I'm doing well in school. Reality check: I'm not. Math is just fucking up my brain and English has just been stressing me the hell out. That's the one class I really can't stand anymore. English is just... I don't even fucking know.
I had a theory that since I wasn't going to the tennis match today, I'd come home and do math homework. Well, my mother decided we'd go to Wal-Mart to get shit for my fucking PERFECT sister's baby shower. So I got home even later than I had planned. Then I started my work and my mom has yet to learn how to shit on her own and dragged me away from my homework. Then I ate. And I come back in my room and I just... I can't do my damn homework. It's confusing as hell and I never get the right answer until I've tried to solve for it about twenty times. One problem should not take me ten minutes, but it did.
Then no one is online for me to vent to, and I just.... I can't even handle all of this. This fucking pressure to be perfect. To get the best grades. To exceed the goddamn AIMS. To be good at sports. To be my sister. I don't want to be my sister. Any of my sisters. But then again, who would? One sister got knocked up at 17, the other at 16, and the last one couldn't keep her legs closed after she broke up with her fiance and before she came back here. Not to mention she did drugs. Probably still would if it wasn't for her being pregnant. My sisters are anything BUT perfect. So my mother can go screw herself over if she EVER thinks I'll be them.

Me: Well. She was mad you were ignoring her... I'm guessing. I get mad about it, too. But not like... I don't get butthurt cause it's nothing new.You ignore me a lot.

Devin: I have told you this a lot. Tell you I'm not a good person.

Me: Devin. You're way better than most of my "friends". I use the term "friends" loosely.

Devin: But I'm still not very good.

Me: So? I'm not exactly perfect.

Devin: I should be. Or at least you should have someone that is.



So. I decided it's okay that I love him more than I probably should. Because, maybe, he's gonna be the one that saves me. After all, he is my wonderwall.
He just made my day without even trying. <3

I lied. No gumdrops will be involved in this post. It has more to do with bongs than gumdrops. I just like them. =) Gumdrops, not bongs. God no, not bongs.
What do smiles have to do with bongs? A lot. In my case? My Mitchell didn't hit it today. =D Not that he does every day. But he has been getting high lately. And it's made me sad. And today, he threw away all of his smoking stuff and didn't hit the bong while his brother and said brother's friends were (which means I must beat the shizznat out of my Devin). He told me and I swear, my jaw dropped. And now I can't stop smiling. I wish I could give him a cookie, but Betty ate them all. So then I'd want to give him a hug, you know, but he's only slightly far away. More than slightly. But I'm sure he knows I want to hug him. I was like, "I'm so proud of you right now."
I've been lecturing the spaghetti out of his unghetto ass since, well, like, day one, I think. And I know he's quitting smoking starting the New Year, but this is just like... I don't even know. I'm just... Happy. Surprise, no? In fact, it is.
So, I dedicate this and it's entirety to my Mitchell, who just made my day, even more than Abraham in his muscle shirt. =)

So. I've got this super power, right? It's fairly powerful, but I should use it more carefully than I do. What is this power, you ask? The power to make anyone mad at me. And how did I receive this glorious power? Because no one ever taught me to think before I speak.  I, for one, blame my mother for my gift. I mean, honestly, she couldn't have taught me how to control it when I was young? No. She left me to grow up and be able to piss anyone off, at any time. This is not a wonderful power, I tell you. I shall teach myself to control. I will do it. I will.

And there's this paper with a phone number on it and I subconsciously taped it to the computer with the number facing out and it keeps saying "Call him! Call him!" Then I look at the stupid paper and go, "No, it's long distance." Then the paper is all like, "Use your mother's phone." And so I go, "My mom would ask why I'm calling someone with a 317 area code." And then he shuts up. Then, a little while later, he'll catch me looking at him, and in a subtle whisper, he'll say, "Call him, silly. You know you want to. Do it. Do it." But I can't listen to a silly piece of paper because I know that once his voice says hello, I'll freeze up and say something stupid. Either I'll forget my name, or there'd be nothing but word vomit escaping from my mouth.. I mean, sure, I want to call him, but it'd be weird, you know? He wouldn't know it was me and all, but still. I'd rather not embarrass myself. Stupid paper needs to shut up.

I've been super stressed lately. I'm gonna give myself an ulcer. Today I took the writing portion of the AIMS, which is just some bullshit. And tomorrow I take the reading section. I'm so not looking forward to it. I was so close to falling asleep. And with all of the work I'm missing for my classes I'm getting overly stressed. I want to cry. Really.

So I'm going to have to find things for me to do to just get away. I've been reading today, but it hasn't been helping much. I think I might find something to draw so maybe someone. I could always use another drawing of Mitchell. =D And not my turtle. I've also been attempting to write a story but that's not going all that well, to be Frank. I like being Frank, he's cooler than me. And nicer because today I was being so mean. I blame the stress. Whoever told me my junior year is the easiest can go to Hell.

Also, I've been thinking about college and where I want to go. I really want to go to Purdue. I think I'd like it there. If not there, than maybe Oklahoma State. If I have to go instate, I'll try for Embry-Riddle. I mean, I'll apply to all three and then ASU as a back up, just incase. Because they've got engineering to. But I really want Purdue.

Let's start with my math teacher. The stupid ass that kills my whole day. Normally he calls me Beverly, though today he got my name. Except he tried to tell me I was missing homework I turned in on Monday. I was like, "no, I turned that in on Monday," And he kept writing the problems. Then I was just like, "no. I already did it, you stupid." Without the 'you stupid'. Then he told me I was missing another assignment I did. I was like, fine whatever, I'll do it. So, I finished as the bell rang and I gave it to him and he's all "is it finished?" I was just like, "no, it's only half finished" in a really sarcastic voice. Then as I was walking out, I heard him saying "half?" I just walked away. Plus, I just learned, he marked me absent. I was sitting barely five feet away from him, if that! So my mom got all pissy because I "didn't go to fifth hour". He's gonna be so mad he messed with me on Monday. Mhmm.
Next we can move on to my sister. I guess she's more of a bitch than an asshole, but you get my point. I hate the my mom lets her get away with everything. Plus, she gets all mad that she has to come pick me up, as if she didn't know she'd have to. Hello! I thought she was "the smart one". Psh. Fuck that shit. She dropped her math class at Phoenix College - a community college - because it was too many classes. Honestly, I don't think she'd even be able to do it seeing as her boyfriend, who goes to PC, was asking me for help on the math homework he copied out of a book to make sure it was all right. So seriously, I don't give her a chance in college. She only made it through high school as valedictorian because half of her classes, she was just a TA for a teacher that loved her. Coincidence? Her poor one B was probably because she's freaking remedial. Seriously. She went to a school that just barely got NHS, sports, and a student council. Plus, it's a school that has no homework and it's the school that people go to when they get kicked out of mine. So seriously, she can get over her stupid self and her attitude can go with her.

Oh and just for the record, today at golf practice, Fred went in the damn water.

I think my title says it all. But you know, I know there's certain people who don't particularly fancy me as a person, but yet they continue to be my friend, but they seriously need to stop saying stuff behind my back. Honestly, I have friends that actually care tell me what other people say. And said wannabe friend will know that I know she was saying stuff on Thursday. Oh, no, I won't tell her. Hell no. I barely even like her. But she'll know. Oh boy, will she know. I can't wait to see her face when she realizes that she, the president, will actually have to be, oh, I don't know, the president? Because no way in hell am I doing any of the talking at that damn meeting that has nothing to do with money. Mary can go fuck herself if she thinks she's going to make me do all of the talking and then get pissed because I "talked" more than her. That was bullshit anyways because if anything, she did all of the talking. She was just pissed that I told everyone how to play "Never Have I Ever," but then again, she's the stupid whore who said she didn't want to tell them how to play it. It's hardly my fault if the people who weren't at last year's drama club banquet thought I was the president. Maybe Mary should build a bridge and get over herself. And take her issues with her, because we here in reality don't need them.